I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize