What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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