Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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