That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
