i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
