my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
