I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
