i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
