The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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