Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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