Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
