that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
