splinters make it hard to masturbate
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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