this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Your penis caused this!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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