every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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