After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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