Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
