i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
