You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
