Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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