I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
