Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
