Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
