my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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