none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
