tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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