$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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