the condom got lost in my hair
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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