also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
