im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
