I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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