oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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