Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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