I hate all girls vehemently.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
we should paint friendship bongs
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
