your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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