remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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