I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
