omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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