My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
