I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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