census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
