One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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