Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize