I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
