At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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