and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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