with your own penis?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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