Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up under a house in Key West
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
