When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
