Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
