I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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