If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
