My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
