Me too!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
