i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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