his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
