Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize