I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
