she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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