the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
