If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
